A Different Kind of Grief

Since Dad passed away I have had a roller coaster of emotions. I have had times of happiness and laughter, especially when something triggers a memory of Dad’s unique sense of humor. Then there have been moments where I felt like I was kicked in the gut when it hit me again that he is gone.

Today, I had one of those moments when I got into my van. As I turned the van on I reached for my phone to call Dad. A literal ache came into my heart. Deep down, I hurt worse than I have hurt in a long time, and the grief was different than other types I have experienced.

I have known grief, as every person has. I have known great grief. My wife and I lost our first child due to miscarriage. That hurt deeply. Much of the hurt was tied to what might have been. Was our baby a girl or boy? What would our child have looked like? What would his or her personality have been like? It was a great grief, but it was a different grief.

The sorrow I have with Dad’s death is a sorrow that comes from missing a person with whom I shared many memories. While there is a grief over things that will never take place (such as his upcoming visit in August), it is also a grief that misses relationship and closeness. Dad and I did not always have a great and close relationship. However, in recent years the Lord graciously gave us a very close and good relationship. It was a tremendous blessing, and the greatness of that blessing  increases the amount of pain I am now experiencing. The earthly closeness of that friendship is now a memory.

I believe Romans 8:28-29 which tells me that all things are working together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose. Dad’s death is for my good in making me more like the Lord Jesus. One way Dad’s death has been for my good is it has taught me that while all grief is grief, not all grief is the same. There are levels of grief and types of grief, and these can only be known by experience. I cannot describe to you what it is like to lose your father. It is something that can only be known through difficult  experience. It is a different kind of grief.